Damn I can't believe how long its been since I wrote in my journal, God knows I miss my computer. So much has been going on with me, I still havent found my dream job and my plans to move have been post poned til the end of the summer, I have had so much time to just think, which is always good for the soul, I finally stopped smoking (weed) ah, guess you can say I got other things on my mind then getting high all day, I got a new man in my life, I love him to peices, I've known him for awhile now, so it's only natural we became more then friends, well actually about time, I love him though, because he was my friend before anything, and once a relationship is built on lies, it cant sustain. So what I thought was love before was only a fallacy of what love was supposed to be. Other then this, I just been reading, walking and job searching, also working on getting my car and getting me an apt. So much is still up in the air with me, besides enjoying this hot ass weather and talking to my man, my mind is constantly wondering on what it is my heart wants todo, I'm considering taking some acting classes here and getting in the studio. Hollywood is only on hold for now, but I will be getting my poems together and drafting my book to see about getting it published. I guess you can say I'm loving life right about now, the lord is still calling me into his direction, so I'm happily ready to greet him and see what it is he has in store for me.

Anyway, I miss books! and my Turtle BonBon, soon as I get my pc back and shit I will be on here to update more often, until then toodles ... lovely girl wonder `

So its getting closer to June each day, and still I haven't even sat down to get all this information processed about my move to Vegas, I guess you can call me crazy but I'm going, with 3g's in my pocket, I dont care if no one goes with me but my ass is going, I cant explain this feeling but, I know that it will all work out for me, I know there are no guarentee's in life but I am positive that regardless of the fact if I become famous or not, I will find my nitch and I will suceed, whether it be with singing, acting, writing, my fashion line or just continuing my education, which I have all the plan to do that, while chasing my dreams. I have been learning more and more about myself and opening up to more people at the same time, which is good, but at the same time I dont need no more stress or bs in my life, I had to get ride of all of that shit, I am doing me now, with no regrets and I have someone I talk to, a good fren, so all is well with me. This weekend was crazy I will say that, but I am back at work now, trying to pay these bills and continue to save, I have 500 now saved towards my 3g's target, but in 2 weeks I should have 1g saved, so thats good. I am also going to watch this weight, I plan on getting a memebership within these 2 weeks. I gots to look fly in Vegas and for my sisters graduation. Anyways, I just wanted to say a few things. I will write more later this week and post some more poems and deep thinking questions I am having, much love to my fam! and my good frens on here ... books, bon, anyone else I forgot. j

 

I woke up looking at the world differently, I guess u can say I am finally feeling free, free from decpetion, free from the devils lies ... I guess u can say I felt blinded, blinded by all the BS, I allowed to control and wear me down. I am finally gettin back to Jackie, who is jackie, who does jackie want to be, I am finally starting to piece together, myself, I have allowed the devil to whisper so many lies to me, and alter my mind state and who I seen myself as, compared to who the mirror portrayed me to be, I am finally getting to stand and see myself for the trials and tribulations I have gone threw and also how it has molded me on who I am today, I guess I can honestly say I am not ashamed on my trials and tribulation, but it is time for me to understand them, critque them and use them as a positive re-enforcement in my life, I want to be loved and I was looking in all the wrong places and finally it hit me the only love I was guarentee'd was the love the lord gave me, shouldnt that be enough? and I can honestly say today it is and I am happy with that, The lord is leading me in a direction and allowing me to learn on the way. Each day I am analyzing more and learning more about myself and this is only the beginning for me, I am going to get more serious about my writing, I will sure keep u all posted!

ps .. theres more to life then love, riches and fame .. what about happiness, what about making the lord smile and giving him praise? I been thinking alot about this and its time for me to give back and allow him to use me in the way he sees fit, I have my dreams yes, but what about the lord dreams for me, thats what I am waiting to get the answers too, just something to think about. j

 

 

So I found a new love, I guess you can say he's always been here, I just chose not to see him and know that he would always love me no matter what, he was all I needed and I see now, I tried to fill a void in my life the worse way, by letting a man try to control me and de-flower me from who I was, who I was trying to grow to be, I guess this was a good lesson for me, a hurtful one but I needed to see this view of life and pain in my own way and time for me to know that not all love is love, not all words are told with honesty and not all people are as honest and humble as I am. I guess the lord had placed a few people in my life lately to allow me to grow, I have been growing so much, and my mom actually seen it and told me she was proud of me, and to be honest I am proud of me, my sister told me I was going to make it, I was going to be ok, my writing would be my first step to becoming known, for the unique and beautiful person I am inside and out, I know I will make it, its just figuring out what talent I want to use first, I cant wait til june I plan on moving to Vegas! me and my sister. I cant wait, I'm going to make it yall just watch! dreams do come true! and I believe in myself, I am my biggest cheerleader, and thats how it should be, anyway have u figured out who my new love is??? ME! the lord has opened my eyes to so much in the last 2 months, I am getting back to knowing me and loving me, because I lost sight of what was important, and that was my well being, I deserve to be happy and with someone who values me. I guess u can say I got my mind back, I got my eye on the prize and I'm going to hit that bullzeye!

Men! ha ... are u serious? I'm too threw, I got a friend a good friend who has been there for awhile now, Its nice to talk him, when I am trying to find me and he is just a breath of fresh air for me, its nice to have a friend, someone who u know cares about u and understands u and not LIE! to you about who they are, I dont respect those who resort to such a act of deception, I cant stand a selfish person and the last man I was with was just that! I cant even be his friend, because I dont even know him, I gave my all and only to realize that he never knew me, and the love I thought was true was my own imagination because I wanted to fulfill something, I guess to be loved and I never realized that, but all needs to feel needed and loved and I guess I'm no different, but I loved this person who never gave me them, there love, which to me is pure and precious and he took advantage of me and my love.

So now I am here; where I stand today, realizing that my love should be cherished as a rare gem, so next time, when love knocks on my door I will be more careful. I love u isnt a word you need to throw around, its something that needs to be meant and if lies are told from the jump, then the love was never real because it was all a myth, u cant love someone u dont know and if someone lies to you for a year about something that didnt have to be lied about then, that love was never real. Love, real love doesnt hurt, make u feel low nor is it based on a lie. Thats not love, atleast not a love I would want to call my own. This is why I had to end it!  

Bookiie: I love u girl, u are one of the strongest females I know, and I admire u for so many things, and mama ur writing is fiyah! ah` look at jacks talkin ghetto. I love u and I got ur back mama!

Bon: my baby turtle I love u mama! u are becoming so beautiful and growing into someone who I look at and smile. U are strong mama! never forget that and dont doubt a decision u make.

Buck: I love the time we share and I cant wait to see what else is in store with us, as friends. U make me smile and thats what I been needing. luv u!

Sigh` so yesterday was V-day, which I thought was going to be a good day, but wasnt, The day was fine until I got home, I actually got roses delivered to me, which was a very sweet gesture, but should of been sent along time ago, I guess men dont understand you until its too late, after a year I would of figured he did, but he doesnt and still doesnt know me. So its OVER! The lies, ah` I mean lies that were told for no reason and was continued to be told to me, I have never been in a so called relationship where I didnt have a choice of my own and I'm sure those reading this dont understand and thats fine, its no meant for u too, but what I am saying is if you truely love someone you have to be honest, honest from the JUMP! not a year later, I cant believe all the lies and hurt and tears I cried for a man I never and still dont know, I cried on vday because I was hurt that I knew I had to hurt him, not because of him, but bc of his deception and inability to see me and know I would love him no matter what but he didnt give me a choice to love him but love a fallacy of what I thought was him. I'm more hurt then upset. I cant be with a man I cant trust nor one that continues to hurt me because he was only thinking of himself first and that is what happen in my so called relationship, well I dont want to sit here and pour out to much I just needed to vent this morning. Love yall! j

Give Me . .

Give me freedom to see what my eyes may not percieve,

Give me wisdom beyond my years, so that while I'm here

I can cherish these years,

Give me knowledge,

So that, I can fight with my words

And still be able to be heard,

Give me the lords faith,

So that when light is not near me,

I can still follow in his foot steps,

Give me life with happiness,

Rather than, life with false riches,

Give me purpose, when my life seem to have none,

Give me The lord, when all my hope is gone,

Give me his soothing tone, his loving ways and tender heart,

So that, when I feel lost, I know he is behind me,

Coaching me and leading me to Victory!

A Time to Reflect

 

Theres a time for everything, I had never really thought about life like this, but as I sit here and reflect on "time," my time here, I begin to wonder about so many things. Is life really what we make it? or is it already made up for us? I hear so many people talk about America and being "free," but what is free? I would argue free, the real meaning of the word free was given to us when the lord laid eyes on us, not as a physically freedom but a spiritual and mental freedom.  He gave us life and the true meaning of freedom. In my opinion, there is only one window of freedom and that is the one where you see those heavenly gates ... all else is a myth of freedom, how can a government system headed by elite masses; how is it that we allow them to control our lives and define freedom for us when God alone made the world, it took him 7days, can any man or woman walking the face of the earth, actually make a world so fruitful as the lord? No! so why then do we allow a controlled system of government, define our freedom?

Free; the true meaning of freedom, only God can give, no man on this earth can forgive you for all your sins and still look at you and see all your flaws as unique traits, his own Masterpiece in the making, The lord made us all capable of knowing right and wrong, made us all capable of using our minds and hearts to follow his lead, so I'll leave you all with this thought, the freedom we as a people need to search for is freedom from Redemption, free from satins lies and controlling ways. We are allowing "Men Gods;" men who believe and think they are God, controll us and define who we and our children will grow up to be. Someone please tell me why? 

Thoughts of an intelligent Bi-racial female ... j

 

 

What you thought I was gone? smile` I bet .. aint neva gonna happen, ur girl here to stay! A true Goddess neva fails to keep a nigga or a broad on her toes. I just been busy with work and gettin my shiiiT! together, all is good with me doe, I promise you all that I will be doin it big real soon! a year from now I will be in another state gettin my grind on with acting, singing and my fashion line. I actually started to write my book "Blackicide" so I am pretty excited about this. I have so much talent that I just need to put all my effort and time into my dreams. I know I know, I speak on this a lot, but one told me that the only way to make a dream come true is to constantly say it, think it, breathe it and believe in it and believe me I do!

Asides from all that, I been working and saving money, I dont know where I am moving in june but I will be out of Minnesota for good, its time to spread my wings and fly on my own. I am so ready too yall. I feel so different I cant explain it, I can see things now that my mother and father would tell me about but  I was too young to see the full view of there words, but I am older now so I can see ... more clearly. So I guess I am trying to get the world prepared for Jacks big arrival! ah! I am so serious too, like a heart attack, aint no stopping me!

Men! blah .. I aint even worryed bout that shit no more, I got to much shit on my plate to worry about a nigga, I guess right now I am on something else, I see now that a man needs to cherish me, I am a precious gem and any man who is with me has to know this and treat me as such, but I guess since I'm on a mission, I dont have to much time for a man. There will be plenty of time to be stressed about a nigga and now aint the time, I cant believe how dumb I have been, when it comes to a man and what I would do for one that I thought loved me and come to find out he never loved me nor seen me for me, shit I cant begin to tell you how many times I been down that road, the only thing I can say now is that, I am in another chapter of my Autobiograph. Well let me be out for now` I love all who shows me unconditional love and love those who hate me even more, because I really do what I do for, you motivate me by hating.

much love to Books, Bonbon, Khadija .. all my peeps` jacks is on a mission and u thought u knew what I was bout` ah! think again.

So I am finally realizing that the grass isnt always greener on the other side, now that I actually have a job, which isnt what I want for myself, but now that I am back home trying to decipher what it is my heart really wants, I see now more then ever that having a plan of action, being detailed and organized is the only way one will succeed. I have so much to think about, but regardless of the fact I'm going to have to face the issues I am having now eventually and shit I choose now, instead of it choosing me, I am also seeing that going back to school will be a must, so I will take the time to figure out where and when I will start school again. I'm just writing a quick thought that I am having at work, I will place more thought on this matter later ... until then j

 

Oh shit! I'm back got damn it! feels like I been out of synk with my page for so long and all that read it. So hell since I got time here at work I decided to do a quick update. I have a JOB at Allied Interstate, which is a collections company, but I work on insurance, this gotdamn job aint paying me what I am worth but shit I got to start somewhere, I have come to the conclusion that Morris, my school up north aint right for me, so I came back home and got a job and now I am planning my future. Shit time aint on my damn side, so this acting, singing and fashion line I want, I need to invest my time in that. So first thing first is to save some money so I can be closer to my dream, which is being in LA. I think I will pack up and move to Vegas this summer, that way i will be closer to LA and auditions and shit. I cant explain how I feel right now, I feel like so much has been lifted from me, its like God heard me all this time and now he is pushing me to do what my heart wants me to do and I cant even lie, I am so excited and scared at the same time, but shit I got to be ready for my chance, so I been making plans so that when it hits me in the face, I will be ready! other then that I just been on the grind, kicking it with my sister and her homegirls, they is a mess! they remind me of how I was at 18 and 19. lol woo lawd ` you couldnt tell my ass not a damn thing. I havent been writing any poetry, but I will get back on the ball with that too, I just have to get myself in this schedule, oh! and I am thinking about getting another job too in a few weeks, Jacks! is on a mission .. ahahah! niggas? I am so koo` I got too much shit goin on right now, that stress of a man is the last thing I need, I have seen that this last almost year I have changed, I have seen my weaknesses and I refuse to let another take advantage of them, so until that man comes along who will be there for me, love me and support me! these niggas need to STEP!

So I came up with this analogy that to achieve your dreams its like winning the Jackpot at Vegas... Why? well I was thinking about dreams and how they are achieved, well no dream is achieved without determination and hardwork right? well those who play the slot machines and win at them go back and go back, keep on trying, even when there broke or even when those who see them doing this talk about them, but what happens in the end? Shit those who keep on trying, end up winning the JACKPOT and shit that is what I am trying to get too, my Jackpot! that is just sitting in the skies waiting for me to reach out and touch the damn thing, so I tell all, if you got a dream, hell a thousand of em, dont quite, keep trying and you will achieve everyone of them. I know I will be successful and I aint got no time for these fake ones, I'm bout to do this gotdamn thing! wink` yeah I think I'm da shiiiT! but hell I am. j